saying “u should smile more”
-she wont like it
-will not make her smile
saying “lemme see ur mouth bones”
-she also will not like it probably
-nope she definitely wont
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
You Might Also Like
accidentally said “bring a ding ding those toes over here mommy” out loud to no one in particular at work the other day and one of the female employee’s said “Okay, it’s been fun here I quit”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
“This isn’t my first rodeo” -Guy at his second rodeo