My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
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Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC