My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
You Might Also Like
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
excuse me
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵