My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

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Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people


gf: i took a pregnancy test

me: is it mine

gf: no, i bought it


ME: *falls down the stairs* help buddy im hurt bad call 911
ROBE-BOT: another robe sir?


My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.


*coughs like a maniac*
*pretends to pick nose*
*scratches armpit*

Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.


If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.


People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out


[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine


Men. Can’t live with ’em…can’t finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.