@stewiecoffee

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

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@aparnapkin

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

@arcadeseals

gf: i took a pregnancy test

me: is it mine

gf: no, i bought it

@hippieswordfish

ME: *falls down the stairs* help buddy im hurt bad call 911
ROBE-BOT: another robe sir?

@imence2

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

@amazymay72x

*coughs like a maniac*
*pretends to pick nose*
*scratches armpit*

Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.

@MarriageMartini

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

@CrockettForReal

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

@david8hughes

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

@lilgapeach30

Men. Can’t live with ’em…can’t finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.