@stewiecoffee

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

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@HatfieldAnne

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

@UncleDuke1969

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

@ValeeGrrl

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

@thatUPSdude

Me: This infomercial is so stupid.

*10 mins later*

Me: So all I have to pay on the 2nd one is the shipping and handling?

@SteveSuckington

“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”

@WhiskeySoured

Are these the Americans?
No.
Are these the Americans?
No.
Are these the Americans?
No.

– watching the Olympics with my wife

@Michael1979

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

@envydatropic

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life