Your honor,this case must be thrown out
“On what grounds?”
*points to defendants nametag: ABookByItsCover*
*Judges head explodes*
My milk of magnesia brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, you sounded younger on the phone.
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“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.