My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
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Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
live, laugh, laundry.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here