my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
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What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Story of my life…..
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby