@Jesssicle

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

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@Megatronic13

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

@pittdave13

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

@DurtMcHurtt

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

@Severnjaca

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

@ThaJawn

What if the washer has been stealing the socks and we have just been blaming the dryer?

@1Bad_Scientist

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

@impaulmccoy

I’m guessing the game Twister isn’t getting a lot of action right now.

@JediGigi

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

@WilliamAder

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

@awesomeseank

Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.