My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

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Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??



Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point


*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?


I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.


What if the washer has been stealing the socks and we have just been blaming the dryer?


*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.


I’m guessing the game Twister isn’t getting a lot of action right now.


My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.


Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.


Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.