My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
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We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Yes, but it was never about money
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.