My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
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ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
the greatest twitter interaction
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]