[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
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The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Jail
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.