My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
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*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
as is their right
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.