@EdgarAllanLo

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

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@Jake_Vig

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

@Social_Mime

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

@psybermonkey

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

@Slave_4_U

Hot single senior citizens in your area need air conditioning.

@jctwritesstuff

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

@1MeLrO

It’s cool to jump out of bed and realize you are already dressed to run to Walmart

@daemonic3

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

@MumInBits

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

@Lindsay_Bloch

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase