[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Hot single senior citizens in your area need air conditioning.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
It’s cool to jump out of bed and realize you are already dressed to run to Walmart
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv
Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase