My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
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i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.