@Kyle_Raney

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

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@BigJDubz

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

@_ElvishPresley_

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

@CrankyPappy

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

@amydillon

To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”

@rudy_mustang

[applying for a job at the FBI]

FBI: and there will be a video interview

Me: do i just walk up to any computer with a webcam lol

FBI:

Me:

FBI: you could do that, yes

@robfee

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

@thatdutchperson

[job interview]

“And how do you deal with things that cause you stress?”

Me:*remembering that I haven’t opened my voicemail in 6 years*

“effectively.”

@BuckyIsotope

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

@causticbob

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

@ddsmidt

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.