Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
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detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
[applying for a job at the FBI]
FBI: and there will be a video interview
Me: do i just walk up to any computer with a webcam lol
FBI: you could do that, yes
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
“And how do you deal with things that cause you stress?”
Me:*remembering that I haven’t opened my voicemail in 6 years*
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.