@TheTobbie

My mind: “Today was a productive day.” My body: “Please don’t drink 11 cups of coffee again.”…

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@gizellie

Lessons I can learn from my cat.
1.) Never take the first no!
2.) If there’s an obstacle in your path, try a different approach.
3.) Being inquisitive often yields rewards.
4.) Rest is imperative!
5.) If someone is doing something you don’t approve of, bite them.
#WillFeral

@andylassner

Only your family knows what you’re truly capable of.

Every year my sister-in-law sends out an email to all of us assigning us our Thanksgiving dishes. The turkey, the stuffing, the side dishes, desserts, etc.

Every year I’m assigned “bottled water”.

@sweb74

Studies found that 1 in 4 men are gay, meaning someone in my close group of friends is gay. I hope its Dave, he’s really cute…

@StarWarsProblms

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

@dksc4life

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

@WildeThingy

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

@RidiculousSheri

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

@AudraEqualityMc

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ??

@DurtMcHurtt

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?