someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
You Might Also Like
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
yeah no that’s fair
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?