My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

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I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.


friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.


Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?


Registering my annual objection to Groundhog Day. We live in Canada. There will most definitely be six more weeks of winter. I don’t need a rodent to tell me this.


If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day


I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.


ME: *falls in love only w/ people who are mean to me* Why does this keep happening
GOD: *points to me* Make that one an idiot


Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.


There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.


Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.