@PaulyPeligroso

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

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@_SetTheHook_

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

@laura_payton

Registering my annual objection to Groundhog Day. We live in Canada. There will most definitely be six more weeks of winter. I don’t need a rodent to tell me this.

@joeldanger

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

@UncleDuke1969

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

@InternetHippo

ME: *falls in love only w/ people who are mean to me* Why does this keep happening
[flashback]
GOD: *points to me* Make that one an idiot

@CelebrityChez

Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.

@nerdamage

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

@calluptome

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.