My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

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Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.


Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.


flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps


*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion


Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.


*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit


Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.


I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”


Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).


You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now