My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
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Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.