@PaulyPeligroso

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

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@TheOneTrueDisco

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

@UnFitz

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

@BoHorseManJack

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

@TheAlexNevil

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

@Smug_Lemur

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

@HumanPog

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

@rickolantern

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

@WheelTod

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

@Mostly_Cheese

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

@JustinGuarini

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now