My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
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[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t