My minivan has this cool anti-theft system called its a minivan

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A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.


I saw a man at the beach yelling “Help, Shark! Help!

I just laughed, i knew that Shark wasn’t going to help him.


My profile: I am looking for a smart and kind man that is totally ok with the idea of me wanting a pet raccoon

Bumble: You have 0 messages today


[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today


girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at


This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.


I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.


If you’re ever in a room where a doll should happen to come to life it would be prudent to leave that room


Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.