I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
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At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
So the ex texted me
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.