@thatguyJA

My minivan has this cool anti-theft system called its a minivan

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@njlitigator

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

@iloveskyrim71

I saw a man at the beach yelling “Help, Shark! Help!

I just laughed, i knew that Shark wasn’t going to help him.

@FirecrackerKatt

My profile: I am looking for a smart and kind man that is totally ok with the idea of me wanting a pet raccoon

Bumble: You have 0 messages today

@smithsara79

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

@iwearaonesie

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

@SentenceReduced

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

@WheelTod

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

@Phook75

If you’re ever in a room where a doll should happen to come to life it would be prudent to leave that room

@karanbirtinna

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.