@StellaGMaddox: My minivan is always rocking, but it's usually because I'm trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
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@FredTaming: doctor: the good news is you’re dying me: how is that good news?? doctor: i don’t like you
@max_pad21: I failed my Driver's test. Driving teacher: "What do you do at a red light?" Me: "I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter."
@Alex_N_Chains: "After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands." - Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
@InternetHippo: [creating x-men] A wheelchair-bound visionary leads his people through a major conflict "That's literally WWII" Ok then…one guy has claws