My minivan is always rocking, but it’s usually because I’m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.

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cashier: you need to pay for that candy bar

me: i don’t have any money

cashier: then put it back

me: *sliding him 20 dollars* how about we keep this between us


Of course I touch myself when I think about you

It’s called a face palm


Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.


“Cats typically sleep 16-20 hours per day.”

Yes. Hi. I’m interested in the position.


Dear America: it’s called English for a reason. They invented it. It’s not “English” spelling. It’s correct spelling… This is a subtweet.


When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.


BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*


I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes


My boyfriend said he wanted me to be more affectionate, so now I have TWO boyfriends.


Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask “which country?”