Employees must applaud the planets.
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You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
i will not be silenced
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.