My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
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Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Do not steal food from the science building!
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.