Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.