A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
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Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward