My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
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[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Nose
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me