@robdelaney

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

I’m not sure if this clerk is smiling at me bc he knows I’m high or bc we’re both high, but it’s been 6 minutes and we’re still just smiling

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a yak.

Yak: actually i’m an emo cow.

God: wait-what?

Yak: why do you think I grew my hair out?

God: why?

Yak: cause i’m going through some stuff right now.

God: oh.

Yak: guess my favorite band?

God:

Yak: my chemoocal romance.

God: [nods] you ARE an emo cow.

@humanwarnings

The next time I hang out with people who start making out in front of me, I’m going to start flossing my teeth in front of them.

@tamara_geldart

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

@13spencer

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

@TequilaSaltlife

If you’re assigned green beans for thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook

Just saying

@3sunzzz

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

@murrman5

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

@crushingbort

#ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate tease a man and get all his attention while the second velociraptor ambushes him from his blind spot