I’m not sure if this clerk is smiling at me bc he knows I’m high or bc we’re both high, but it’s been 6 minutes and we’re still just smiling
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
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God: you’re a yak.
Yak: actually i’m an emo cow.
Yak: why do you think I grew my hair out?
Yak: cause i’m going through some stuff right now.
Yak: guess my favorite band?
Yak: my chemoocal romance.
God: [nods] you ARE an emo cow.
The next time I hang out with people who start making out in front of me, I’m going to start flossing my teeth in front of them.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
If you’re assigned green beans for thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
#ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate tease a man and get all his attention while the second velociraptor ambushes him from his blind spot