It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
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it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
❤️❤️❤️
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.