My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
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Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed