@Brianhopecomedy

My Mom asked me to help her sign up to Twitter so I did and she’s really enjoying Google Plus.

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@PS_IRuddYou

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

@maebemarbles

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

@dlockw21

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

@sarcasticmommy4

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

@mjkspeaks

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

@ClichedOut

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

@MonSwanson

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

@abhorrent_wife

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

@sad_tree

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

@Rollmaninoz

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda