Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
My Mom asked me to help her sign up to Twitter so I did and she’s really enjoying Google Plus.
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I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda