My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
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My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
White parent Vs Arab parents
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Not recommended for beginners.