My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

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My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.

Having to see him is gut-wrenching


Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.


[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”


You’re not considered an alcoholic if you’re married.


Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes


Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.


ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.