@mattZillaaaa

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

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@StewieTea2

My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.

Having to see him is gut-wrenching

@iinkedZombie

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

@stephenjmolloy

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

@salamingia

You’re not considered an alcoholic if you’re married.

@karenphotog

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.