[email protected] Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
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My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.
Having to see him is gut-wrenching
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
You’re not considered an alcoholic if you’re married.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.