@junejuly12

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

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@djdarrellripley

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

@SwoonTwang

I don’t have tinted windows on my car because if people don’t like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

Hotel beds are often all the proof I need that Satan owns a mattress factory.

@ozzyunc

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

@bobbiejo448

News reports 5hr Energy may be linked to death. Don’t know if it’s an advertising gimmick or not but I bought a bunch to gift, just in case.

@carlyken

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

@Brampersandon_

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

@Sorrowscopes

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

@hollyberryness

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.