My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
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Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Mmmm canned fish.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Vodka burrito was a success
Nothing to do, you say?
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
When the stylist spins you back around
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door