What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
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Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
Auto-correct turned “likeable” into “lickable” and the new intern is confused by her evaluation.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it