My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

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Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…


My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.


I don’t have tinted windows on my car because if people don’t like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.


Hotel beds are often all the proof I need that Satan owns a mattress factory.


My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.


News reports 5hr Energy may be linked to death. Don’t know if it’s an advertising gimmick or not but I bought a bunch to gift, just in case.


So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?


BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit


Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?


The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.