@sara_ashlynn

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

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@Reverend_Scott

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

@Muath_tu

Lil Wayne is like if a doctor’s handwriting came to life.

@Phook75

If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they’d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.

@Ygrene

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

@crabgirl_

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

@sofarrsogud

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

@eeethanford

*Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough*
*waits till everyone leaves*
*takes out cell phone*
Hello 911?
Please send all your ambulances

@Jandalize

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

@AimeeHelene1

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

@KyleMcDowell86

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*