My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
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NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Has there ever been a more American story?
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I think I’m having a stroke
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
j o i m p
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.