my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
You Might Also Like
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]