I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
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Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”