My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
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“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it