“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
You Might Also Like
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother
Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Look Disney all I’m saying is that if my stepdaughter brought a bunch of birds and mice into my mansion I’d make her clean up that shit too.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
JAMES BLUNT: You stink
JAMES TACTFUL: I bought you this perfume
Yes, you take my breath away… But so does a brisk walk, or the sight of an ugly baby. Don’t be so flattered.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.