my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

You Might Also Like


“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary


I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms


[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it


Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*


My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.


Look Disney all I’m saying is that if my stepdaughter brought a bunch of birds and mice into my mansion I’d make her clean up that shit too.


Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”


Yes, you take my breath away… But so does a brisk walk, or the sight of an ugly baby. Don’t be so flattered.


Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.