my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
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Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist: