@eff_yeah_steph

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

You Might Also Like

@panmidwest

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

@jilleb163

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

@aveuaskew

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

@Jarhead44

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

@BigJDubz

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

@Fred_Delicious

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

@okimstillhungry

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

@Phook75

My five year old asked me to hold her cupcake and I think we all know how that went

@scarebro

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

@Awk0Tacoo

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.