[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
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I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
My five year old asked me to hold her cupcake and I think we all know how that went
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.