My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
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Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.