Don’t leave the milk out overnight.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
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“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir.
Me: Do you walk with a limp?
Me: Want to?
Telemarketer: Thank you for your time.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.