MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
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Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
i will not be silenced
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Time heals everything 🙂
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree