MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
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Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow