My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
You Might Also Like
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.