My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
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“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
A French press is when you hug naked
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
they finally got him. they got macavity
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
The Book. The Movie.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.