My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
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Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again