My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
You Might Also Like
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
No, I don’t think I will.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?