My mom: I was thinking of getting my grandson a drum set for Christmas!

Me: Funny. I was just thinking about getting a new mother.

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rose: yes, i was on the titanic

guy: okay, where is this diamond

rose: first i’m gonna tell u about this boy

guy: can u just tell us where the-

rose: best sex of my life. easily.


ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*


My son learned the word “delicious” recently, except he pronounces it “decisions” so now you just see him walking around the house sipping on his water bottle going:

“*slurp* Ahhh…decisions…”


Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.


[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off


I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.


[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”


Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?


i always carry a condom in my wallet incase i can’t finish my corndog