My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
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Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
ok like just. call me at this point
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
we’re gonna need another temp
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.