My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
You Might Also Like
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
My inexpensive home security system…
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.