Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
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When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist