Co-worker: Face up or face down?
Me: Um. What?
Cw: The fax machine? Documents face up or down?
Me: I’m not mature enough to answer that.
My mom is a ginger and my dad is Mexican. I guess what I’m saying is that I can only be killed by some elaborate, magical ceremony.
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I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
A repeat offense of a shenanigan is called shenaniganagain
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?