@pannuscorium

My mom is a ginger and my dad is Mexican. I guess what I’m saying is that I can only be killed by some elaborate, magical ceremony.

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@scott2ten

Co-worker: Face up or face down?
Me: Um. What?
Cw: The fax machine? Documents face up or down?
Me: I’m not mature enough to answer that.

@MandiAtRandom

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

@Rollmaninoz

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

@mortimermaiden

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

@patnspankme

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

@edgarrants

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

@ericsshadow

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

@LurkAtHomeMom

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?