My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
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just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Jesus Christ lmao
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
The 4 stages of a family vacation
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen