[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
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Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.