@kiiimdaaa

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

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@0point5twins

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

@anerdonfire2

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

@gerryhallcomedy

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

@rickolantern

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

@Wussawilla

Coworker: My husband’s an angel.
Me: You’re lucky.. mine’s still alive.

@ddsmidt

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

@sixfootcandy

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

@ScubavelliDeux

*whispers seductively in your ear*

“…look at that last slice of pizza and you’re dead to me…”

@ShortSleeveSuit

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

@Sayhikristy

Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.