My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

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If everyone drove their cars as carefully as they scrolled through their exes Instagram photos the world would be a better place to live.


Just bought gas for $1.32/gallon. Don’t own a car but couldn’t pass up the bargain.


guy joined zoom class shirtless and the tutor told him to turn his video off and so he did and it just displayed his profile pic of him shirtless at the beach


I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination


Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.


So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.


[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla


Boss: Are you high?

Me: [trying to photocopy a dog] are you a cop?