I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
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I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Coworker: My husband’s an angel.
Me: You’re lucky.. mine’s still alive.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*whispers seductively in your ear*
“…look at that last slice of pizza and you’re dead to me…”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.