[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
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My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
live, laugh, laundry.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!