If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
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octopus: [gun in each hand]
cat: you’re one short buddy
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
everyone smokes a bunch now and wants to die and has detailed opinions about art and it felt cool and interesting until I realized we’re just Becoming France
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
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