my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
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when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this