My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
You Might Also Like
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore